Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Amen
Anyways it has taken a month for me to process. It has taken me a month to regain my emotional strength after her terrifying arrival into this world. Since I process life best with music, I found this song. It is seriously how I feel about Eleanor's birth:
Lyrics:
When it's over
When it's all done
We say
Amen
Overwhelmed by love
And all is well
We say
Amen
When we feel a peace
We can't understand
We say
Amen
Miss Eleanor
Eleanor Blakelynn Ledford was born Sept 29th at 9:39 pm. She was born happy and healthy weighing 6.6 lbs and was 19.5 inches long. She has reddish/blondish hair in a grandpa hair style(no hair up on top)- yes my child is practically bald!- and has dark dark dark blue eyes. She is beautiful.
Now birth story time:
On Tuesday 27th I was admitted for tachycardia (high heart rate). My heart rate was 120-150 resting in bed doing absolutely nothing. That is sometimes higher than little missy's. They ran all of the lovely cardiac tests to see what my heart was doing-EKG, deep vein thrombosis, and an echo. All came back normal. So the cardiology team chalked it up to being pregnant. So Wednesday night I was induced. We had twelve very long hours of cervidil to try and see if we could get things going naturally. Nope nada not going to happen according to my body. So twelve longs hours of fairly decent 4-5 minute apart contractions for literally nothing. The next morning we started the pitocin at 6 am. Really not as bad as people had all said! By noon my nurse thought that the baby was coming she thought I was seriously 7-8 cm dilated. I was starting to be in serious serious pain with contractions every 2 minutes -up until now I was pain med free- not anymore I got IV pain meds while waiting on anesthesia for my epidural. Then about an hour later the anesthesiologist showed up. As my nurse helped me to sit up for my epidural my water broke. Like waterfall off the side of the bed broke. So as I got my epidural my water was breaking. So I don't remember much of getting my epidural basically a pain free trauma free experience. Once that was all done and the nurse checked me again... she realized I was only at a 5 not a 7-8. This baby was not coming now and we had to wait some more.
This is where the story starts to get scary. Once a normal person hits that 5cm mark they normally speed up and don't take very long to go all the way, not me. By 5pm I had gotten to a six. I was on the max dosage of pitocin I could be on. Well not long after that Eleanor had a decel (her heart rate dropped into the 70's- normally a fetus' heart rate is between 120-160). The nurse came in and told me if this happened again then I would have an Emergency c-section. SCARY! That was just the start. I cried. I didn't want a c-section. I didn't want another awake surgery. My last one -when I got my skin cancer removed was very traumatic for me. I could feel my skin being cut and blood running down my face. I could smell my own skin burning during the cauterization, and then there was the pulling and stinging while I got stitched up. Yep no fun- don't want to have awake surgery again. Nope I'm good I will pass. So I was praying Eleanor didn't have another decel and that I would dilate so that we would be all good. Well story continues at nurse change (7ish) I was checked again this time I was around a 7 but the nurse said she wanted another opinion. OK fine whatever. She went and got another nurse. She said yeah probably about a 7 but again didn't like something -they weren't telling me what- and wanted the doctor to check herself. So this was alarming. What weren't they telling me?!? The doctor came in and checked herself. This is when she told me that my pelvis hadn't opened, dilated, whatever you want to call it. She said that instead of being a circle I was more of a triangle. This is when I started to cry like big time cry. Not only was I starving, sleep deprived, and had a long painful stressful day now I am being told that there is a major complication. This complication killed my cousin and put my aunt's life in serious danger. She said I could wait until I was fully dilated and try to deliver naturally probably resulting in an Emergency C, or we could just do it now. On top of that she looked at me and said that is probably at least an 8lb baby! I thought there was no reason to put the two of us in any more danger than was necessary, and I knew that the C-Section was imminent. I knew it was going to happen so it might as well be now. Once I made that choice things moved pretty quickly. They changed my epidural to a spinal- went from feeling like I had be to the dentist, could move put super tired and tingly to not able to move and no sensation whatsoever. Within 30 minutes we were in the OR.
The OR was an interesting place. It was small there was only the Doctor, a surgical tech, 2 nurses, and my anesthesiologist. I was terrified. I felt exposed. I was anxious. Both Eleanor and I's heart rate was in the 150's (normal for her super high for me). I asked for anxiety medication but they said that if I wanted to remember my daughter's birth that I couldn't have any. They tied my hand down so I couldn't really move- couldn't break the sterile field. I had an oxygen mask on, and I cried. I was so terrified. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Finally they let Blake come in. He held my hand and I just cried. They started cutting -all I felt was pressure. As they were cutting they said "ooo look we have a bleeder!" I was just laying there thinking hello?! I can hear you! Then the doctor asked for a stool so she could get high enough to get the baby out. She climbed up and hit the lamp with her head -yep my dr almost took herself out in the middle of my C! Then they said ok lots of pressure. Seconds later there was a very wet little cry. Eleanor was here! First thing out of the dr's mouth was "oh be careful it is doubly wrapped"- meaning her umbilical cord. Ok more tears, this is what killed my brother! So now not only what killed my cousin but also what took my brother. Then the next thing the dr said was "Wow! Look at that chin!" I could hear her getting suctioned and crying. Blake got to see her immediately. *So jealous* One of the nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her. Then walked over to me so I could see her. I got to see her for maybe 30 seconds. All I wanted to do was touch her and hold her but I couldn't because I was tied down to the table. Again more tears. I just want to hold my baby. I just wanted to touch her soft skin. I wanted to kiss her but I had an oxygen mask on. This was so hard, so incredibly frustrating. Then they took her to my room to weigh her and whatever else they did. Blake went with. Once again, I was alone in this scary operating room by myself. They put me all back together and stitched me all up and finally about 30 minutes later I was able to finally hold my baby girl. When I finally was told how much she weighed -only 6.6 the dr said she didn't believe it and to weigh her again! Haha nope I was huge but she wasn't an 8lb baby!!!
That night my parents got to meet her. They were both so excited. She is the first grandchild. I did pretty well that night, not too much pain, but I was given 24 hour pain meds through my spinal catheter. I slept they took Eleanor to the make shift nursery. ( hospital was under renovations) So in the labor and delivery ward it was the nurses station. Around 4 in the morning we were moved into the Women's wing. This is where I spent the next 3 days.
Eleanor did really well. She was only 4 days early so totally and completely full term. She had some issues with eating the first day and had to get amniotic fluid suctioned out of her tummy. It is hard to hear your child crying down the hall way and not being able to do anything about it. For the first couple of days Eleanor screeched rather than cried. Blake and I called her our screechy owl.
As for me pain so much pain. I had just had major abdominal surgery. It was hard to walk, stand up straight, or do anything that required abdominal muscles. My mom spent the night we me so Blake could go to work. She helped me sit up, stand up, do normalish person things, as well as take care of the baby. Basically I couldn't be left alone. Since there really was no nursery (in the women's wing it was the storage room/ makeshift nursery) Eleanor roomed in.
Blake's parents came up that weekend as well as my Turpin grandparents. Everyone was so excited to meet her! It is the Ledfords second granddaughter, also their baby had a baby! For the Turpins it is their first great-grandchild. My grandma spent a good day with me just helping me take care of Eleanor and spending time with me.
On Sunday we were released. I thought it was cool that this was her due date! How many babies come home on their due date?!? This is when I realized how hard and frustrating my recovery was going to be. I still had a hard time being mobile. I was still on major narcotics for pain. I couldn't sit up on my own let alone get out of bed to help my screaming child in the middle of the night. It was so incredibly hard.
This is now the emotional part of c-sections people don't really talk about.
I wasn't planning on a c-section and maybe that was part of it, but I felt like I was an awful mother. Not only had I not been able to be there for her first hour after birth, I couldn't help her. I could not get up and get her out of her bed. I could not feed her without help. I could not bend over to change her diapers. It hurt to hold her. I could not carry her in her car seat for the first week and a half. I felt like a horrible mother. I also felt like a horrible wife. I couldn't do anything. So not only did Blake have to help take care of the baby he also had to do everything around the house.
So I apologized a lot. I cried a lot. Finally around week three I started to finally overall on a regular basis feel better. I was finally able to care for my child.
In the end I have a healthy baby. I'm alive she's alive and that is all we ask for right? A hundred years ago and we both would have died, that is rather scary if you ask me.
So she is my miracle baby. I had cancer while pregnant with her. I also had a very complicated crazy terrifying birth, but she is here happy and healthy! Love you little miss Eleanor <3
Now birth story time:
On Tuesday 27th I was admitted for tachycardia (high heart rate). My heart rate was 120-150 resting in bed doing absolutely nothing. That is sometimes higher than little missy's. They ran all of the lovely cardiac tests to see what my heart was doing-EKG, deep vein thrombosis, and an echo. All came back normal. So the cardiology team chalked it up to being pregnant. So Wednesday night I was induced. We had twelve very long hours of cervidil to try and see if we could get things going naturally. Nope nada not going to happen according to my body. So twelve longs hours of fairly decent 4-5 minute apart contractions for literally nothing. The next morning we started the pitocin at 6 am. Really not as bad as people had all said! By noon my nurse thought that the baby was coming she thought I was seriously 7-8 cm dilated. I was starting to be in serious serious pain with contractions every 2 minutes -up until now I was pain med free- not anymore I got IV pain meds while waiting on anesthesia for my epidural. Then about an hour later the anesthesiologist showed up. As my nurse helped me to sit up for my epidural my water broke. Like waterfall off the side of the bed broke. So as I got my epidural my water was breaking. So I don't remember much of getting my epidural basically a pain free trauma free experience. Once that was all done and the nurse checked me again... she realized I was only at a 5 not a 7-8. This baby was not coming now and we had to wait some more.
This is where the story starts to get scary. Once a normal person hits that 5cm mark they normally speed up and don't take very long to go all the way, not me. By 5pm I had gotten to a six. I was on the max dosage of pitocin I could be on. Well not long after that Eleanor had a decel (her heart rate dropped into the 70's- normally a fetus' heart rate is between 120-160). The nurse came in and told me if this happened again then I would have an Emergency c-section. SCARY! That was just the start. I cried. I didn't want a c-section. I didn't want another awake surgery. My last one -when I got my skin cancer removed was very traumatic for me. I could feel my skin being cut and blood running down my face. I could smell my own skin burning during the cauterization, and then there was the pulling and stinging while I got stitched up. Yep no fun- don't want to have awake surgery again. Nope I'm good I will pass. So I was praying Eleanor didn't have another decel and that I would dilate so that we would be all good. Well story continues at nurse change (7ish) I was checked again this time I was around a 7 but the nurse said she wanted another opinion. OK fine whatever. She went and got another nurse. She said yeah probably about a 7 but again didn't like something -they weren't telling me what- and wanted the doctor to check herself. So this was alarming. What weren't they telling me?!? The doctor came in and checked herself. This is when she told me that my pelvis hadn't opened, dilated, whatever you want to call it. She said that instead of being a circle I was more of a triangle. This is when I started to cry like big time cry. Not only was I starving, sleep deprived, and had a long painful stressful day now I am being told that there is a major complication. This complication killed my cousin and put my aunt's life in serious danger. She said I could wait until I was fully dilated and try to deliver naturally probably resulting in an Emergency C, or we could just do it now. On top of that she looked at me and said that is probably at least an 8lb baby! I thought there was no reason to put the two of us in any more danger than was necessary, and I knew that the C-Section was imminent. I knew it was going to happen so it might as well be now. Once I made that choice things moved pretty quickly. They changed my epidural to a spinal- went from feeling like I had be to the dentist, could move put super tired and tingly to not able to move and no sensation whatsoever. Within 30 minutes we were in the OR.
The OR was an interesting place. It was small there was only the Doctor, a surgical tech, 2 nurses, and my anesthesiologist. I was terrified. I felt exposed. I was anxious. Both Eleanor and I's heart rate was in the 150's (normal for her super high for me). I asked for anxiety medication but they said that if I wanted to remember my daughter's birth that I couldn't have any. They tied my hand down so I couldn't really move- couldn't break the sterile field. I had an oxygen mask on, and I cried. I was so terrified. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Finally they let Blake come in. He held my hand and I just cried. They started cutting -all I felt was pressure. As they were cutting they said "ooo look we have a bleeder!" I was just laying there thinking hello?! I can hear you! Then the doctor asked for a stool so she could get high enough to get the baby out. She climbed up and hit the lamp with her head -yep my dr almost took herself out in the middle of my C! Then they said ok lots of pressure. Seconds later there was a very wet little cry. Eleanor was here! First thing out of the dr's mouth was "oh be careful it is doubly wrapped"- meaning her umbilical cord. Ok more tears, this is what killed my brother! So now not only what killed my cousin but also what took my brother. Then the next thing the dr said was "Wow! Look at that chin!" I could hear her getting suctioned and crying. Blake got to see her immediately. *So jealous* One of the nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her. Then walked over to me so I could see her. I got to see her for maybe 30 seconds. All I wanted to do was touch her and hold her but I couldn't because I was tied down to the table. Again more tears. I just want to hold my baby. I just wanted to touch her soft skin. I wanted to kiss her but I had an oxygen mask on. This was so hard, so incredibly frustrating. Then they took her to my room to weigh her and whatever else they did. Blake went with. Once again, I was alone in this scary operating room by myself. They put me all back together and stitched me all up and finally about 30 minutes later I was able to finally hold my baby girl. When I finally was told how much she weighed -only 6.6 the dr said she didn't believe it and to weigh her again! Haha nope I was huge but she wasn't an 8lb baby!!!
That night my parents got to meet her. They were both so excited. She is the first grandchild. I did pretty well that night, not too much pain, but I was given 24 hour pain meds through my spinal catheter. I slept they took Eleanor to the make shift nursery. ( hospital was under renovations) So in the labor and delivery ward it was the nurses station. Around 4 in the morning we were moved into the Women's wing. This is where I spent the next 3 days.
Eleanor did really well. She was only 4 days early so totally and completely full term. She had some issues with eating the first day and had to get amniotic fluid suctioned out of her tummy. It is hard to hear your child crying down the hall way and not being able to do anything about it. For the first couple of days Eleanor screeched rather than cried. Blake and I called her our screechy owl.
As for me pain so much pain. I had just had major abdominal surgery. It was hard to walk, stand up straight, or do anything that required abdominal muscles. My mom spent the night we me so Blake could go to work. She helped me sit up, stand up, do normalish person things, as well as take care of the baby. Basically I couldn't be left alone. Since there really was no nursery (in the women's wing it was the storage room/ makeshift nursery) Eleanor roomed in.
Blake's parents came up that weekend as well as my Turpin grandparents. Everyone was so excited to meet her! It is the Ledfords second granddaughter, also their baby had a baby! For the Turpins it is their first great-grandchild. My grandma spent a good day with me just helping me take care of Eleanor and spending time with me.
On Sunday we were released. I thought it was cool that this was her due date! How many babies come home on their due date?!? This is when I realized how hard and frustrating my recovery was going to be. I still had a hard time being mobile. I was still on major narcotics for pain. I couldn't sit up on my own let alone get out of bed to help my screaming child in the middle of the night. It was so incredibly hard.
This is now the emotional part of c-sections people don't really talk about.
I wasn't planning on a c-section and maybe that was part of it, but I felt like I was an awful mother. Not only had I not been able to be there for her first hour after birth, I couldn't help her. I could not get up and get her out of her bed. I could not feed her without help. I could not bend over to change her diapers. It hurt to hold her. I could not carry her in her car seat for the first week and a half. I felt like a horrible mother. I also felt like a horrible wife. I couldn't do anything. So not only did Blake have to help take care of the baby he also had to do everything around the house.
So I apologized a lot. I cried a lot. Finally around week three I started to finally overall on a regular basis feel better. I was finally able to care for my child.
In the end I have a healthy baby. I'm alive she's alive and that is all we ask for right? A hundred years ago and we both would have died, that is rather scary if you ask me.
So she is my miracle baby. I had cancer while pregnant with her. I also had a very complicated crazy terrifying birth, but she is here happy and healthy! Love you little miss Eleanor <3
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