Thursday, December 10, 2015

That moment when...

That moment when the unthinkable happens. That moment when you world totally changes. That moment when your world falls apart. That moment when your future becomes a complete unknown. That moment when all your beautiful plans fall apart. That moment when your life becomes a nightmare.

That moment when 23 days before your wedding, the day before Thanksgiving, you get diagnosed with cancer. That word is terrifying. Cancer is cancer no matter how small. No matter where it is located it is still cancer. It has become known as the "C Word".

I got a phone call while at the grocery store with my sister and Blake buying things for Thanksgiving dinner. I ignored the call because the store was to loud to hear anything the person on the other end had to say. So I called back once we got into the car. I remember exactly what was said. It was very basic. Your biopsy came back, you have skin cancer. You are going to need surgery to hopefully remove the rest. I thanked the nurse, yes the nurse not the doctor, and hung up the phone. Blake sitting next to me in the car heard what the nurse had said. We finished up our errands and returned home. I was in shock at this point. The harmless thing on my face, that I originally thought was just acne, now had complete control over my life. As we brought groceries in I pulled my mom aside to tell her what I myself had just found out. I was worried about medical insurance since I was getting married in 23 days. This was the first time I broke down. My voice cracked as I told her... I have cancer. Then the tears came. Cancer is still cancer no matter how small. The largest organ I have has cancer. She handled it the best she could. Figured out medical insurance. Then the questions started rolling in.

What kind of cancer? What subtype? How long have you had the innocent looking spot on your face? What treatment are we looking at? Could this have spread?

Thanksgiving day was harder than it should have been. We you have a brand new cancer diagnosis all that is going through your brain is, am I going to see another one of these? Will I have another Thanksgiving? It is hard, it is not pretty. That night Blake and I both had a good cry. Cancer not only affects me but it also affects my soon to be brand new husband. How was this going to affect us? Should we continue with school? Should we take the semester off?

I had heard of the stories before of newlywed couples getting diagnosed with cancer and the fight after. I always thought how hard that would be. How hard the first year of marriage is alone, without cancer. And now this is the reality

As time passes you go through the different stages of grief. My main ones were shock, denial, anger, depression, and then acceptance. It took me about a week to process everything. It took me about a week to feel happy again. I finally looked at Blake one day and said, "Blake... I have cancer." His reply was simple yet so sweet, "Yes sweetheart you do and we will get through this together."

Then came the wait. I had to get into a doctor to figure out how we are going to treat this, and what exactly we are looking at. We live in the middle of nowhere Virginia, literally, THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! So it took three weeks to get into the doctor. So tomorrow I go and see Dermatology/Oncology as well as Imaging.

 And that is where I stand. Still not knowing exactly what I am looking at. Still not knowing what kind of treatment I am looking at besides surgery in which I will lose a good portion of my left cheek. Still not knowing. That moment when you don't know where your life is going. Why it couldn't happen last year or not at all. Why you now get to start married life with a whole new game. The cancer game. The game of fighting for your life.

So point being- life is short. Make the most of it because one day you will get a phone call that changes everything. Cancer is scary.

For curious minds what I do know is I have  Basal Cell Carcinoma (easiest skin cancer to treat) with both micronodular and trabecular patterns (these are the most aggressive subtypes unfortunately). The cancer is not by any means superficial my whole biopsy was cancerous. Normally this cancer is not seen in patients under 40. So why I have it at the lovely age of 20 no one knows...?

So there is the update in the BeccaBlake life. A whole new adventure for the two of us I was hoping to never have to walk down.




2 comments:

  1. Oh Becca, I'm so sorry this is happening right now. But you will be fine. You are a strong girl with an amazing family and life ahead of you. You have a kingdom to build with your soon to be husband. Love you.

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